Sara Jean

Sara Jean

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True Life: I'm Lonely

Three Years.

My Facebook Memories love to remind me of the happier and sadder times of my past. And I'm not sure I can differentiate how I feel about the most recent. 

Today I was reminded that I have been single for three full years. And by single I mean very much alone. No Facebook relationship status changes. Over a year of celibacy. Two dates. In three years.

In those three years, I have become very self-sufficient. Coming from a girl who was diagnosed co-dependant by her therapist, this is a huge success. But it can be a lonely one too.

This independent woman has spent the last three years taking out the trash (literally and metaphorically). She carries the groceries up the street and up the stairs from the car to her apartment in one (sometimes disastrous) trip. Nobody does the dishes for her after she cooks. Hell, nobody cooks for her. Nobody splits her electric bill or the WiFi. She wipes away her own tears or ultimately lets the dog lick them away after a hard day at work. She draws her own bath. Doesn't shave her legs because...well, why? Nobody runs their fingers through her hair and she lines her pillows up in the shape of another body to fall asleep on each night. Some days the first words she speaks don't come out until she gets to work and many times they still sound like baby talk as if she were speaking to her pets. Because those are the only conversations she has outside of work most days. 

But she gets by. And she's learned to love her own company. To take pride in her newfound strength and independence. 

But that doesn't mean she doesn't get lonely. That she doesn't look in the mirror and wonder, "What's wrong with me?" That she doesn't get envious at the friends who find someone else the week after another relationship ends.

It doesn't mean that when cuffing season approaches each year that a glimmer of hope doesn't find it's way to the forefront of her mind, of her daydreams. She longs for human interaction. For touch. 

So to all the single women out there living their best lives. To all the ladies making their mark on this world alone. To all the girls daydreaming of their prince charming. I see you. I feel you. I'm not going to give you some cliche quote about the timing being right or some serendipitous BS about him being out there....somewhere....

But what I will say is you are amazing. And you are worthy. And if love does find you, as I'm sure it will, don't forget who you have become while you were alone. But don't take him for granted either.



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